I've held off on writing this blog for a long time. Change is inevitable. It feels like all you want is for time to freeze while you prepare yourself for the unknown future. My year started off like that. At first, I was not prepared to move on. To leave my job, to have to drop the routine I had grown accustomed to and to say goodbye to the amazing people I had come to know. It took me three months to embrace it. So I decided to share it with you all.
It's hard at first. I can hardly find the words to describe the pain I felt knowing I didn't get the job. I absolutely loved my job. I worked at the front desk of a school. I loved meeting and helping new people. My coworkers made work even better. I love them so much! There was never a shortage of laughter. Never a shortage of interesting stories and life experiences and definitely never a shortage of encouragement. They took real good care of me and it was basically a family. I got attached. At the age of 23, it was my first real job. I learned a lot, experienced a lot and everyday I woke up, I was super thrilled to go to work. "God laid this out so perfectly for me." I would whisper to myself everyday.
Then, I got the news I didn't get through with the job.
I don't think it registered to me that I was grieving. I only found that out recently while I was conversing with one of my coworkers. I had gotten an extension for three months so I was grateful for that but everyday felt like a heartbreak when I thought about how I was leaving this behind. You don't know how hard it is to have to hold up a smile when inside feels like you're falling apart. This wasn't just a job to me it was more like a ministry. I wanted to make a positive impact with the students, the staff, the parents, with everyone. I felt like maybe I was making some sort of an impact but in the next three months, that would be gone. My ministry would be gone. So the Sunday after I found out, I didn't go to church and I locked myself in my room and had it out with God. "You want me come reason with you, God? Here I am! What are you doing?" I asked the God of the whole Universe. "You laid out everything so well. Why are you closing the door? Why are you taking my ministry?" cried the girl who had just published and launched her first book, Things That They Don't Tell New Christians, only a few months before. I apologized, of course, and started to list out His promises before Him. Promises that didn't even pertain to my situation. I listed it all. "You are the God of miracles, You can change it." I said. After I desperately tried to convince the God of Heaven and Earth to turn things around. I had tired myself out. Somewhere in the noise and tears, it dawned on me how ridiculous I was. God gave me this job when I needed it the most and had no other option. God allowed me to stay there much longer that I should have been. I had no doubt in my heart the He could turn everything around. I had all that faith in Him but didn't consider He had a better plan. I had to channel the faith I had into moving on. Moving on to the plan He had ordained for me to walk in. By the end of the prayer, I understood what it meant to pray for God's will to be done. I had to condition myself to act on my faith. The first month was painstakingly difficult. In the quiet times in the office, after interacting happily with people, my smile would slip into a frown. I got weary. I was still carrying out my job but it felt heavy. I lost my appetite a bit. I had to keep reminding myself, God knows what He's doing. God Knows. He knows. Thank God for my coworkers. They didn't let me live in that place of despair. " You got better things ahead." They'd say giving me a hug. "God has a plan for your life." another would add.
It's easy to fall into despair. To be discouraged. Christ got me through the rest of my time there. By the second month I was back to being me. I had challenges but I reassured myself in Christ. "He knows." I repeated to myself. Sadness is an emotion not a lifestyle. It's okay to be sad but it's not okay to live there.
On my last day, I was at peace. I worked hard despite my challenges and most importantly I didn't let it change me. When I asked my boss how he had coped with years of being in charge and the stress it can bring he told me, "You don't allow your environment to change you. You change the environment." I needed to remember that and you do to. Things happen but you need to take control of how you react to it.
“HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE SOMETHING THAT MAKES SAYING GOODBYE SO HARD.” - Winnie The Pooh
It's hard. It was a pain I have never known but life goes on. Without God this blog would have been totally different but He kept me through. I would have never met the people I have. Never would have made the friendships I have made. Never would have learned the things I have. I'm blessed. Truly blessed.
"You know you need to visit us, right?" said a coworker. "I can visit?" I asked excitedly. "Of course! You need to!" she replied. Guys, I really was thinking I was leaving forever. I was living my life like I'd never see them again and that had only added to my despair in the first month. That was pretty illogical on my part.
But look at me now! The girl who thought life was falling apart, is actually really excited to start this new life. This new adventure. Embrace it. Embrace the change. God has a plan. I'm not sure of it but I can be sure it's going to be fun.
~Celine Elizabeth~ #movingon #embracingchange #change #work #coworkers #sadness #Jesus #God #adventure