"Sometimes I think God overestimates our strength or... is it that we underestimate our God?"
My year started off with the lovely blessing of my job and a fulfillment of a 10 year promise from God. It was awesome seeing the things I prayed for come to pass in a way that only God could do it. From the outside, people would see things are going good but what they didn't see was the avalanche of trials that came after. During the year I had two near death experiences, health issues, and burnout. My husband is now unemployed. I struggled a lot with the pressure and issues I faced to the point of breakdowns and discouragement. It was one thing after the next.
I held on to Jesus but not without questions, venting and doubts. I believe He could change a situation with one breath, one blink even! I grew closer in reading the Bible, praying day and night. Somedays were good but they were immediately followed by down days. Days I couldn't understand why things were still happening the way they were. Days where anxiety and nervousness got the best of me. I was tired. Fed up.
I wanted to run away. Run away from the blessings God had given to me.
Have you ever been there? Where you feel tormented in a place that God has put you? It could be in ministry, church, school, a job, a new country, a friend circle or even in a new family. You ask God if it was really a blessing or a curse in disguise. You question if this place was where you should have been in the first place. If this "blessing' was a test or a mistake. If God overestimated your strength because this seems like more than you can handle.
When it's one thing after a next, God gives Grace after Grace.
I was doing all the right things, seeking for prayer from family and close friends, praying, reading the word but I wasn't totally honest. I wasn't being honest with God on how I truly felt. I wasn't handing over all of the burden, just a small part of it. I was putting on a face of strength so that people didn't think I was losing faith. I was relying on MY strength not God's strength. You see I was waiting for God to speak directly to me but He was still and quiet. I wanted dreams, I wanted prophecy. I wanted a direct word. I know that He said He wouldn't leave me but I wanted to feel Him and I couldn't. But I was doing everything I thought was right...I hope this all makes sense. And if it's confusing... Well... that's how I felt too.
Until one day I had a breakdown with my parents. That's where everything came out. I said things I didn't even know I was harboring in my heart concerning my suffering. I prayed about all those things and from that day, something changed. The suffering reduced. I realized it was a journey that God was allowing me to have. Giving me Grace after Grace everyday. I didn't have a nice prayer but for the first time it was brutally honest with God. Strangely, I felt Him smile. This brutal prayer, not disrespectful, but a total excavation of my heart before God had brought change.
God doesn't want pretty prayers, He wants the "Take this cup from me, but nevertheless, Your will be done" kind of prayers.
I know what greatly helped me was the honesty of my parents and husband who heard my complaints day after day and it was also the prayer of my brethren who kept standing in the gap at my weakest moments and encouraging me on days when I wanted to walk away. During my breakdown with my parents, I was crying, driving to work, they were trying to remind me of God's promises and His blessings. Trying to tell me to hold the faith and stop being double-minded. I was getting frustrated by hearing the truth.
You see my parents and husband has been hearing the same thing from me for quite a while and understandably, they were trying their best to encourage and pray for me but they got tired. I was tired of it too (it makes me even more grateful that God doesn't grow weary of us and our prayers in that state).
What stopped me in my tantrum was when my father said something to me that FORCED me to change my perspective on suffering. He said, "If you walk away now, how does it glorify God? How does it add to your testimony?"
I had been selfish in my suffering. Somewhere in the 'one thing after the next', I had lost my view of what I was really meant to be doing. Glorifying God in all things. Christ once said, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and ALL these things will be added unto you." You don't seek the Kindgom of God and His righteousness for your own interests/gain (the healing, prosperity etc.), you seek it to learn of God, His righteousness, His interests for you and His Kingdom. Then! All will be added to you. What I was seeking, was to escape. I should have been seeking to Glorify God and His Kingdom, even in my suffering.
This blog didn't go as I intended but I hope it encourages you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel of despair and pain. There is a Holy Voice that is louder than the enemy's lies and traps of fear. While it may be most difficult, we must remember, we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us (Romans 5: 3-5).
May God give you Grace and strength in your trials. May His word be your sword to overcome spiritual wickedness and witchcraft. May he increase your faith which will shield you against the fiery darts of the enemy's lies and scare tactics. God will not leave you or forsake you. Even when He is quiet, He is working for your good. Be encouraged in the Lord.
Amen.
Blessings in the Lord,
Celine.
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